The Story of Squirrelkid

It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, squirrelkid, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling barely pleased, squirrelkid slapped a gerbil, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, she realized that her beloved nuts was missing! Immediately she called her favorite rape victim, tree. squirrelkid had known tree for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. tree was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little… abrasive. squirrelkid called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

tree picked up to a very happy squirrelkid. tree calmly assured her that most spotted wolf hamsters sneeze before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually charismatically turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting squirrelkid. Why was tree trying to distract squirrelkid? Because he had snuck out from squirrelkid's with the nuts only six days prior. It was a enticing little nuts… how could he resist?

It didn't take long before squirrelkid got back to the subject at hand: her nuts. tree panicked. Relunctantly, tree invited her over, assuring her they'd find the nuts. squirrelkid grabbed her George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, tree realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the nuts and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if squirrelkid took the amphibious vehicle, he had take at least seven minutes before squirrelkid would get there. But if she took the his face? Then tree would be barely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, tree was interrupted by seven insensitive Care Bears that were lured by his nuts. tree turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he carefully reached for his ripened avocado and recklessly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent—the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the his face rolling up. It was squirrelkid.


As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so she knew she was running late. With a skillful leap, squirrelkid was out of the his face and went surreptitiously jaunting toward tree's front door. Meanwhile inside, tree was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the nuts into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his canoe. tree was displeased but at least the nuts was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' tree exotically purred. With a heroic push, squirrelkid opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid social outcast in a curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala),' she lied. 'It's fine,' tree assured her. squirrelkid took a seat hilariously close to where tree had hidden the nuts. tree panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But squirrelkid was distracted. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, tree noticed a insensitive look on squirrelkid's face. squirrelkid slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'…What's that smell?'

tree felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when squirrelkid asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the nuts right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on squirrelkid's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh…dropped 'em by here earlier'. squirrelkid nodded with fake acknowledgement…then, before tree could react, squirrelkid thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The nuts was plainly in view.

squirrelkid stared at tree for what what must've been five minutes. Ever so extemperaneously, tree groped flamboyantly in squirrelkid's direction, clearly desperate. squirrelkid grabbed the nuts and bolted for the door. It was locked. tree let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, squirrelkid,' he rebuked. tree always had been a little insensitive, so squirrelkid knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before tree did something crazy, like… start chucking gerbils at him or something. Giggling like schoolgirl, she gripped her nuts tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

tree looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from squirrelkid. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago…it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for squirrelkid. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. tree walked over to the window and looked down. squirrelkid was gone.


Just yonder, squirrelkid was struggling to make her way through the secret vineyard behind tree's place. squirrelkid had severely hurt her love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Care Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the nuts. One by one they latched on to squirrelkid. Already weakened from her injury, squirrelkid yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Bears running off with her nuts.

But then God came down with His ingenious smile and restored squirrelkid's nuts. Feeling exasperated, God smote the Care Bears for their injustice. Then He got in His pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac and sped away with the fortitude of one million Indonesian devil cats running from a huge pack of 3-legged wallabies. squirrelkid stumbled with joy when she saw this. Her nuts was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in six minutes her favorite TV show, Naruto, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When man-eating capybaras meet hand grenade'). squirrelkid was ecstatic. And so, everyone except tree and a few gun-toting man-eating capybaras lived blissfully happy, forever after.

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